Spiders
by Nuwanda
Summary: Zell has waited so long to be with Squall, but when one word spoken ruins everything, he decides to throw it all away. What happens when the perfect ideal is ruined? Shonen-ai, Zell/Squall now, possibly changing later, who knows.
1. Default Chapter

A/N:  Ahhh, not *another* FF8 fic!  RUN AWAAAAAY!!!  Ahem.  Sorry, little bit of a Monty Python moment there.  Yah, anyway, this one is Zell/Squall...a Squell.  Muah.  I couldn't hold back any longer.  Actually, this one's been in the works for an extreeeemly long time and I finally decided to add the final paragraph onto the first chapter and post the damn thing.  I'm on a Final Fantasy kick b/c I'm finally getting my Zell sneaks!  

WA NA NA!

WARNING:  Copious amounts of ANGST ahead...mainly ZellAngst, but there's definitely some SquallAngst going on here too.

// are for thoughts****

**"Spiders"**

**When love was fresh like a web we'd mesh. Nothing felt better than your flesh against my flesh. One fatal slip. One rip, a tear.**

**Touch me now and every single hair on my body stands on end.    
So dont touch me anymore.**

**'Cause it feels like spiders.  Like spiders all over me.  
In the darkest corners of my mind they creep.**

**Underneath my pillow at night when I sleep.**

**Those hands I once longed to feel. I want to squash them under my heel.**

**So dont touch me anymore.**

**'Cause it feels like spiders.  Like spiders all over me.  
I never thought it would end this way. I never thought I'd see the day. I never thought I'd hear myself say…   
 Dont touch me anymore.**

**'Cause it feels like spiders. Like spiders all over me.**

**~Joydrop~**  
  


I never really thought this would happen.  Well, maybe in my wildest dreams.  Okay, make that in my dreams every _night,_ I admit it...nowhere else, though.  I turn over, and just _stare_.  God, I can't _help_ it.  It seems so unreal that I'm the one here, the one chosen.

            Squall is so fucking beautiful when he sleeps.  

            Curled up, one arm wrapped tightly around the pillow his head is resting on, lips slightly parted, his chest rising and falling steadily with his even breathing.  His light brown hair falls across the pillow, thin spiky strands tracing patterns on the white cloth.  I want to touch him, to make sure he's really there.  But I don't.  I don't want the illusion to go away...and I know it will.  

            Shaking my head, I kick my feet over the side of the bed and begin searching for my clothes.  Last night is really a blur to me...too much booze'll do that to ya.

            I had been drinking a lot, I'll admit it.  We had just come back from that stupid mission.  I was just starting to think that Squall might actually be warming to me some.  Then we get back.  He immediately goes off with that damned girl...Rinoa.  That stupid child.  What she doesn't understand yet is that Squall doesn't love her.  The sooner she gets it through her head, the better.  It's hard to understand it all at first, but if you think about it, it's so fucking obvious why he pals around with her.... pretending he's in love.  Kind of like the way I pretended that I was just imagining things...that he really _does _love her.  But the truth came home to me all too well last night.

            I was staggering around the hallways when I heard people coming.  Even in my slightly drunken state, I realized that I should respect what little dignity I have and not allow myself to be seen like this.  I ducked into the nearest room, sax in hand still from that stupid concert we put on for him.  The room was empty, bay windows opened wide, giving a beautiful view of the ocean.  I climbed up on the windowsill.  Not the brightest thing to do when you're drunk, I know, but hey- it was a moment for stupid and dramatic gestures.  I sat on the sill and began playing my sax.  In that instant, it was perfect.  Me, the wind blowing through my hair, carrying the melancholy notes of the sax away to parts unknown- the perfect image of the spurned and lonely lover.  In fact, I was so caught up in the night's beauty and my music that he was right next to me before I noticed him.

            The wrong note suddenly screeching from the sax made even _me_ wince, and I nearly fell out of the window in surprise.  Standing not a foot away from me was Squall Leonhart, noticeably lacking one important detail:  Rinoa.

            "Squall!"  The name came out as a squeak.  I cleared my throat.  "Squall."  I slowly (and carefully) slid off of the windowsill.  "What're you doing here?  Where's Rinoa?"

            Squall stared at me, the look in his eyes kind of frightening me.  Those gray eyes were burning with an emotion I had never seen before...not that I can usually see _any _kind of emotion in him.

            "Squall...?"  Before I knew what was happening, I was shoved up against the wall, Squalls hands clutching my tank top, his body pressed against me, his lips on mine.  I.... what?!  He pulled away, pausing only to gaze at me with that look in his eyes again before turning and walking away at an extremely fast pace, causing me to trip quickly, as he was still holding onto my shirt.  "Squall!  What're you-?!"  He stopped in front of my dorm room, and somehow I ended up with my back against the wall again.  We stared at each other for a long moment while I attempted to get my breath and clear my head.  Squall was one _hell_ of a kisser.  "Squall."  The word came out like an admonishment as I straightened my vest with what I hoped looked like a cross between confusion, curiosity, and dignity.  "What are you doing?  Where is Rinoa?"

            Squall stepped in closer to me- _very_ close.  I swallowed hard.  

"Does it matter?" he whispered.  "She's obviously not here.  Now, are you going to invite me in, or not?"

            Dazed, I reached back without looking and punched in the code to my dorm room, door sliding gently open behind me.  He smiled and stepped in past me, hooking two fingers in my collar and pulling me along.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  "But, Squall!  Rinoa-" Squall shoved me up against the wall yet again- hard.  

            "Fuck Rinoa!" he hissed, and kissed me again.  

~End Flashback~

            I shake my head, locating my shorts and pulling them on.  I should have understood it earlier.  I mean, it's obvious when you know what you're looking for.  I just feel bad for Rinoa.  She'll find it out much later than I did.  But hey, I guess I have to stop lying to myself eventually.  I'm just glad that I figured it out last night.  I should have realized it before, but last night, it really hit home.  Because it wasn't my name he cried out last night.  

            My movement seems to have disturbed him.  Squall rolls over onto his back and opens those gorgeous gray eyes slowly, blinking in the sudden light.  "Seifer?" he asks sleepily.  I lean over close to him so there's no way he can mistake me for who I am.

            "Not quite, Leonhart," I say pleasantly as his eyes widen in shock.  "Now, would you mind getting the FUCK out of my room?!"  I stand up furiously, grabbing a tank top and pulling it on.

            "Zell-" he begins, and stops.  I turn and glare at him.

            "Yeah, Squall.  Surprise!  You didn't sleep with Seifer last night.  Sorry to disappoint you.  Sorry I'm not your dream date.  But, hey!  It's your fault!  You chose _me_, not the other way around.  So get the hell out of my room, and the hell out of my _life_!"  I throw his clothes at him and flop back against the wall, refusing to look at him.  He gets up slowly, pulling on his clothing.  As he goes to leave, he stops next to me, resting a hand on my shoulder.  I jerk away, shoving his hands off of me.

            "Don't touch me, damn it!" I shout angrily.  He freezes, hand still outstretched, and then nods slowly, a look of surprising sadness on his face before he turns and leaves.

            It's a long time before I move again.  I can still remember the feel of his hands on me, the gentle caresses sweeping across my body like the soft feel of satin.  Now, they hold no more pleasure for me.  It all feels like spiders, crawling all over me and tying me tighter and tighter into their web, killing me off with one sweet bite of ecstasy and leaving me for dead.

~TBC~

A/N:  Well?  What did ya think?  I like it...mmmmm, angsty mental image of Zell sitting in an open window, playing his sax in the moonlight.... awww, poor baby!  Muah.  Anyway, drop me a note and tell me if you want me to continue it!

Dedications:

Marcy:  My introducer (is that a word?) to Final Fantasy and the one who gave me Zell and Irvine for my harem...though why no one wanted those two adorable hunks of burnin' love I will NEVER understand!

Lucawanoxian:  Dude...SHOES!  My partner in high-top-converse-wearing crime!  

WA NA NA!


	2. Never meant to do you wrong

CHAPTER TWO

A/N:  On to chapter two!  I apologize for taking so damn long with this one.  I've had it done for a long looooooooong time, but I'm just posting it now, so I apologize.  This still has a spider theme to it, so I hope it still works for y'all.  And yes, I _did _just say "y'all."  Deal with it.

Oh no, I see  
A spider web, it's tangled up with me  
And I lost my head  
The thought of all the stupid things I said  
Oh no what's this?  
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle  
Oh I turned to run  
The thought of all the stupid things I've done

And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble  
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong  
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble  
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm

Oh no I see  
A spider web and it's me in the middle  
So I twist and turn  
Here am I in my little bubble

Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble  
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong  
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble  
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me  
They spun a web for me  
They spun a web for me 

~Coldplay

            I leaned against my dorm room door, head back, staring at the ceiling.  //You really blew it, Leonhart.  More so than usual, and _that's_ saying something.//  I sighed.  //Shit.// Pushing myself up off the door, I moved aimlessly about the room, searching for something, for _anything_, I didn't know what.  Giving up, I flopped on my bed, arms folded behind my head.  //Zell...I'm sorry.//  

            Staring at the ceiling, I thought about all that had happened.  The mission had gone well, fairly well.  I've begun to get used to this, this group work.  Irvine was boastful and cocky, all too sure of himself, but always able to prove himself when it came down to the line.  There was something annoyingly familiar about the sharpshooter...in that brazen smirk, the tilt of the head, the long auburn hair...I can't figure it out.  Then, there was Zell.  Zell, who I had always seen as nothing more than an annoyance...a _big_ annoyance.  Short, blond and hyperactive, Zell reminded one of a bumblebee: bright, loud, and always in motion.  A bumblebee wasn't even the right metaphor...I thought about it, picturing the petit SeeD in my head, thinking of the way Zell moved in battle...the image of Zell summoning his GF appeared in my head, the easy way Zell moved into his traditional stance and then vanished, only to be replaced by that giant bird of thunder, Quetzacotl.  _That _was it!  Zell was exactly like Quetzacotl.  Wild and untamed, crackling with lightening and dazzling with pure energy, the two were like twin halves of the same puzzle. 

            I can't understand Zell.  No matter how obnoxious I am to the tiny blond, I just can't push Zell away.  If anything, Zell was even more persistent after being insulted and ignored.  Nothing I do can make him shut up; he's always there, ever moving.  Even when standing in one place, Zell is in motion, swaying back and forth on his feet, ready at any minute to break into a run or a series of hits and kicks.  Whenever something happens in battle, Zell is there, ready to fix the problem.  If anyone is hurt, Zell is on top of it, casting a cure spell or using a remedy, fixing everyone up like some fucking Mother Hen.  Every time I turn around, there Zell is, practically in my armpit.  //I couldn't _stand_ it before...but now...//  I sigh, running a hand through my hair.  //I don't know_ how_ I feel now...what exactly happened last night?  It all seems to blurred together, like a photograph dipped in water, the colors all running together...what _happened_?//

~FLASHBACK~

            I walked away from the concert, trying to drown out everything but the music in the background, willing the mournful notes to block out all thoughts in my head.

            "Why don't you tell me about yourself, Squall?" Rinoa pestered...she said some such bullshit to that extent, I never fully listen.  It's hard to put up with that girl, sometimes.  On the one hand, she has this combination of determination and optimism that intrigues and allures me, but on the other hand, she really pisses me off.  If I wanted her to know about me, then I'd speak up...but I don't.  I don't want anyone to understand me anymore...not since...

            I turned away again, pushing those thoughts out of my head.  This was no time to get all moony again, like some pre-pubescent schoolboy with a crush.  "...whatever."

            "Come on, Squall," she persisted, slipping an arm about my shoulders.  "Talk to me!"

            I shrugged her off.  "I don't feel like talking to anyone."

            "Oh, you don't _mean_ that!"

            That was the last straw.  Ignoring all codes of chivalry, ignoring whatever my mind told me was right, for the first time in my life, I did exactly what _I_ wanted to do:  turned my back on Rinoa and walked away, not knowing where I was going, not knowing what I was looking for, just knowing that I had to get out of there.  I heard her call my name, heard her chase after me...a few quick turns down a couple of twisting corridors solved _that_ problem.  I nabbed some wine from the kitchen stores and wandered farther, taking a gulp every few feet.  I don't know _what _I was thinking...I just wanted out of there...out of the concert, out of the Garden...out of this _life._  

            No matter how far I wandered, or how long, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get him out of my head.  The one person I wanted to think of least kept oozing his way in past my defenses.  //Seifer...//

            I still can't figure out why I care so much.  Maybe I'm stupid, like he always tells me I am.  Maybe I'm too foolish to know any better.  Maybe I'm just a closet masochist.  Whatever.  I don't know what the reason is, and I don't think I much care.  All I know is that I can never keep Seifer out of my head, no matter how much he insults me, no matter how much he hurts me, no matter how much I always wind up hating him...I can never get him out. 

            //Why must he haunt me...why this night?  Why, just when I was starting to adjust to other people?  It's as if he's angry with me for that...he was always the only one who understood me...until now...I get the feeling that there's someone else who understands me now...Seifer stopped understanding me a long time ago...I _still_ don't know what the hell happened...how did we become enemies?  I don't understand.  And now the boy he hates more than any other...now _he_ seems to understand me...I'm glad he understands...I don't _want_ him to understand...I _do _want him to..._I_ don't understand.//

            Tilting my head back, I downed the last drops of wine and tossed the bottle against the wall, laughing when it smashed.  Then, a new sound came to me, floating down the hall and tantalizing my ears: the mournful notes of a saxophone, weeping teardrops of pure sorrowful sound.  A thought tried to push its way into my brain, too dulled by the wine to figure out immediately just what it was that the saxophone meant to me...//why does this seem so important?//  Suddenly, thoughts of the concert flashed through my head...Irvine playing the violin, Selphie cracking away at that piano, the saxophone shining golden in the expert hands of...//Zell!//

            My feet took off, padding softly down the hallway, following the melancholy notes of the sax, leading me to a stop in front of a pair of double doors.  //Don't do this,// my mind warned.  //If you go in that room, you're going to do something that you'll regret.//  

            /Like what?/  The other half of my brain retorted.  Determinedly, I pushed open the doors, and stopped dead at what I saw.  Zell looked so fucking beautiful at that moment.  

All I could do was stare at him, stare at the way the moonlight seemed to dance through his hair, twining it's way in and out of those golden strands, stare at the way the light reflecting off the water refracted back up at him, bathing him in aqua brilliance.  He sat on the windowsill, graceful fingers flitting across the keys of the sax, playing it with all the ease and skill he exhibits in battle, his eyes shut, completely lost in the moment, in the beauty that was around him and the splendor of the music he was making, in the beauty of _himself_.  My feet took over again, leading me swiftly to his side.

            //Don't do it,// my mind persisted.  //This isn't Seifer.//

            /I can pretend, can't I?/ I drunkenly responded.  /It doesn't matter.  I want him./  And I did.  In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take Zell to his room and fuck him senseless...maybe I didn't even have to take him that far...the floor was looking mighty fine just then...I wanted him so bad, I didn't even want to walk the two minute walk to his room.  /I'll just take him here./

            //No you won't.  You shouldn't do this at _all_!  If you're going to do it, you're going to do it properly.  But you should just leave it alone...leave _him_ alone.  If you do this, you'll hurt him.  He's not Seifer, and he never _will_ be.//

            /Yes, he will.  For tonight...he will./

            A high pitched screech sounded as Zell became aware of my presence.  "Squall!"  

            I resisted the urge to grin at the way his voice squeaked when he said my name.             He coughed and repeated my name, and continued.  "What're you doing here?  Where's Rinoa?"

            Not that damned girl again.  Can I never escape her?  I simply stare at him.  //They're not so different...both golden-haired, both with a distinctive attitude, both with that defensive and proud way of holding themselves...this will be easy...I can pretend it's him...I can do this.//  I try to ignore the way that I have to try so hard to convince myself...and I'm not doing a very good job of it.  Zell begins to look a little nervous.

            "Squall...?" he asked, voice apprehensive.  Before I even knew what was happening, I was shoving him up against the wall, kissing him hard.  He made a small noise of surprise in the back of his throat; I smiled mentally.  I pushed harder into the kiss, nipping at his lip, running my hands over the soft fuzziness of his hair where it's cut short in the back.  When I pulled away finally, he looked at me, face flushed, lips parted slightly, eyes filled with surprise but with a heat that wasn't there before.  The sight of him like that did it; my mind made up, I hooked two fingers into the collar of his tank top and began walking down the hall, dragging him behind me.

            "Squall!  What're you-?!" Zell protested, but got no further.  He stared at me in confusion as we stopped in front of his dorm room, me pushing him against the wall again.  We stared at each other for a long moment while he attempted to catch his breath.  "Squall."  

            I nearly smiled again.  He said the words as though he were admonishing me for my behavior...not that I can blame him.  I was acting very unlike myself.  

            "What are you doing?" he asked, straightening his shirt.  "Where is Rinoa?"

            I stepped in closer to him, still unsure of what possessed me to behave in this insane manner.  "Does it matter?" I whispered.  "She's obviously not here.  Now, are you going to invite me in, or not?"

            He stared at me, looking bewildered, but he reached back and punched in the code to his dorm room, and the door slid silently open.  Now, I really did smile, tugging him by his collar again, pulling him into the room.  He still looked confused, for God's sake, but there was nothing I could do about it.  I didn't even know what was going on here.  

            "But, Squall!" he protested.  "Rinoa-"  

            I pushed him up against the wall yet again, and harder this time.  "_Fuck_ Rinoa!" I hissed, and kissed him again.  This time, he reacted more.  His hands reached up and found their way around my neck, one sliding up and tangling in my hair.  I slid my arms around his waist, pinning him firmly against the wall and holding him tight...me and my fucking control issues.  He relaxed a bit more, easing into the kiss, lips parting more.  

            I still don't know exactly how we ended up on the bed.  Everything blurs together like the faded colors of a sight obscured with tears.  I didn't even know who I was with anymore; everything blended together, swirled in a mix.  All that I knew was that this person, this person I was with..._this_ person understood me.  It didn't matter who it was, it didn't matter what we did, it didn't matter _why_...all that mattered was _this_ night, this _beautiful_ night...and the fact that this person was here with _me_.    

~End Flashback~

            I sigh again.  Geez, I'm being very melodramatic today.  //I can't believe that I did that to him...what the _fuck_ was I thinking?!//

            /You _weren't_ thinking,/ my brain reproached.  /That's the problem.  If you'd just listened, this wouldn't have happened.  You wouldn't be upset, and he wouldn't be hurting./

            //I didn't _mean_ to _hurt_ him!//

            /But you _did_...and that's all that matters./

            I dug my fingers into the skin of my temples, trying to scratch out that half of my mind, that scolding, smarter half...I hate that half.  I hate _myself_.  I hate every _fucking_ thing about me, about this life of mine.  Looking in the mirror, I stare at my reflection, at that damned scar.  I hate it.

~*~ {ZELL POV} ~*~

            I stare at myself in the mirror.  "How could you ever think that he would actually go for you?" I ask aloud.  "You know about him and..." I break off.  I can't bring myself to say the name aloud.  //Seifer...//  

            I stare at the Zell in the mirror, who has the audacity to glare at me.  I scowl back, hating the Zell in the mirror, hating the person I see.  "You're a stupid bastard, Dincht.  A stupid fucking bastard!"

            Angrily, I strike out, punching the mirror with all my might, ignoring the slight sting of pain as the glass shatters, slicing my skin open.  Droplets of blood fall to the floor like rain.

 ~*~SQUALL POV~*~          

            Growing furious, I jump to my feet, determined to smash the mirror, but stop dead.  Staring at the mirror in shock, I feel myself grow lightheaded at what I see there.  I look just as I did earlier that year, waking up in the early morning light of the infirmary.  Trailing slowly but steadily down from my scar is a bright red rivulet of blood, reopened after all this time.  //How in the world...//  I stare at myself, a terrible sadness coming over me like the cloak of darkness that falls at night.  //Zell...//

            I sink slowly back down to my bed, elbows on my knees, hands tangling in my hair as I rest my head in my hands.  

~*~Blood streams to the floor like so much crimson rain, unknowingly connecting Squall with Zell...the Zell that he hurt so much, the Zell that sat in his own room, ignoring the blood that ran from his own hands, relishing in the physical pain that let him forget, if only for a short time, the pain he felt deep inside, bringing him down, renting his heart in two.~*~ 

~TBC~ 

A/N:  Yeah, I know that the ending is strange, but it would have been stranger if I had kept writing in Squall's pov, b/c then it would sound like he knew what was going on w/ Zell...I tried it for a while.  Didn't like it.

I know the scar bleeding thing is a little odd, but I've heard of it happening.  It actually happened to my sister quite a few times.  She had a bad scar and when she was under stress, or when she bumped it, it would reopen on occasion.  So I looked all over the internet for solid proof of this happening, but I couldn't find any.  So I just went with it.  If it's not true, let me know, but I'm not changing it even if I'm wrong.  Just consider it a weird part of my messed up mind which is coming across in my fic, mmmkaaaay? ^___^

By the by, I need to know what kind of pairing(s) you want going on here.  It was originally just going to be Squall/Zell, but now I got some feedback hoping it will turn into a Squall/Seifer.  Which I like the idea of, but makes me hate all of you for not caring about my kawaii little Zelly!  *huggles Zell and glares at all Squall/Seifer lovers*  Heh, just kidding.  I like Squall/Seifer, too.  I just don't know if it'll work...if it does, then it'll probably end up w/ Irvine/Zell going on as well.  Anyway, let me know what you want.  We can always _always_ toss in the possibility of the exact opposite of that and deal with Squall/Irvine and Zell/Seifer.  And then we have the one pairing which I just realized I've never seen done here:  Irvine/Seifer.  Hmm...don't see that happening.  No wonder I've never seen it done.  Anyway.  Who knows?  They're all so pretty and funny and sassy and terrific.  I love them all.  *tosses them in a bag and runs off with it* Yeah...so, FEEDBACK!  Let me know what you want or I'll just have to decide on my own.  *cue evil music* DUN DUN DUN DUN!  Muah.  FEEDBACK OR LEAVE IT TO MY DEPRAVED MIND!  REVIEWS!  NOW!  *tosses cookies to the nice readers* THERE!  NOW REVIEW!

Dedications:

Marcy:  For making me into the SeeD that I am today!  Ha _ha_!  I now have a humongous paycheck!  Wahoo!  Still need to find that ($#@%^!&*!! beach!!!!!!  Lol.


End file.
